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phoenix_lily
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Name: Kerny
Birthday: 8/10/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: e'erything ... absolutely nothing
Expertise: ditto
Occupation:village idiot
Message: message me
Member Since:
4/29/2005
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| almost two and a half years have passed ... i'm still here ... i'm still wondering what he thinks of me ... i'm still hoping for more but not sure if it's what i really want ... why haven't i moved on yet? i've tried running, i've tried abusing him, i've cried, i've laughed, and none of it works ... why am i still here?
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| man I am ridiculously whinny ... yes life is hard, but hey, it still makes me smile every day and for that I am thankful.
j'ai la foi.
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| tho life is no simpler, for the first time in a long while, i feel really free and happy :) i'm not perfectly content yet, but i'm definitely free
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| I am going to give him up completely. If life brings us back together so be it, but if not I'll just live with missing him. I'm not going to wait anymore. I'm not going to pretend to like him only as a friend anymore. I'm not going to beat myself up anymore. I have loved him. I love him. I will love him. I cannot be the friend that he needs me to be. And so I will learn to forget what it feels like to love him as a man, but I will replace it with the love of a friend. It may take weeks, months, years, decades, but it will happen. It still brings me to tears when I lose him - hearing about his romantic interests, having him leave abruptly in conversations, watching him look at other girls ... I don't want to be jealous and clingy and bitter anymore. It didn't work and I just have to accept that. We've hurt each other and broken each other's trust so often that a real relationship would require an incredible amount of work. As much as I don't want to be hurt again ... I don't want to hurt him ever again except for this one last time to set him free and to give him the friend he deserves. He can't give me the love I deserve and I can't give him the friend he deserves. At least in a few years, I will be able to give him what he needs. And hopefully in a few years, someone will love me too ... i hope a kind man will love me someday ...
help me be strong. thank you.
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| Have I ever told you how hard it is to get over someone you still love? In spite of all their faults, all their personal ticks, and all their distance from you, you sometimes just can't help adoring those seconds that you share with them. Perhaps I'm too young and too naive to call this love. Perhaps this is more of a lust or an obsession. But I can't help feel like I'm in love because I'm happy for no reason. In my two decades, I have learned one thing ... being bitter and paranoid is pointless. I can only enjoy what I have and wait until my heart changes. I can blame the fact that I still cling to them. I can blame the fact that they won't let me go. I can blame the fact that I'm stuck in a place that does nothing but remind me of them. But truthfully, I do enjoy myself in those moments and I will have as many of them as I can have. When I'm ready for something better, it will come to me. I still have faith in love in spite of everything. I still have faith in spite of myself. 
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